*The following blog post is church-y. I talk about God. A LOT. Be warned.*
(Photography by Hunter Kofford)
The road to recovery…
Anyone who’s lost a child can tell you the pain and fear that automatically comes when planning or preparing for another child. The fear is natural. The thought of losing again overwhelmed me. I knew I couldn’t do it again. The thought of trying again was terrifying.
However, Handsome and I knew two things:
1) We needed to learn many things. (Which we did. See this blog post for a few examples)
2) We needed to try again. SOON.
So we tried. You may slap me, but before I lost my sweet Ian, I had never had a negative pregnancy test. (Geez, I want to slap myself! I hate the old me!) The next three months were sad, lonely times filled with multiple negatives and I felt lost and desperate. Why were we feeling this URGENCY to try again and getting negative tests? My faith was tested and I struggled to remain positive. I knew God had a reason for everything, so we patiently waited.
While I was at ALT in January I was a few days late. That was weird. I’m never late. But several tests said negative. So we waited. A week went by. Still late. Still negative. So annoying, but after a week, it was confirmed negative. Again, I knew this was all happening for a reason because the timing of it was all working out too perfectly.
Three months after we started trying, I took another test. POSITIVE.
We went in for an early ultrasound at 6 weeks and remained hesitantly optimistic. Later that evening the Dr. called and informed us they had found another subchorionic hemorrhage and they were so sorry. (Refer to little Ian’s post: at 10 weeks the Dr. found a similar hemorrhage and from there it was all downhill). Both Handsome and I had major flashbacks and I was inconsolable. Another loss could very likely be heading our way SOON.
After talking it over, we realized we needed help. BAD. Though it was hard, we broke tradition and told our families – WAY too early. (With T we waited until we had a gender to tell anyone we were expecting. With Ian we broke the news at 12 weeks, but that was still super early for us.) It was a slice of humble pie to a) ask for help and b) swallow our pride and tell people at 6 weeks, but the decision was easily the best thing we could’ve done. As soon as we told, we weren’t alone. We had an instant support group.
At 10 weeks we went back for another early ultrasound, and the hemorrhage (or “bleed” as some of the techs call it) was still there, but hadn’t grown. We were hopeful, and my family banded together with fasting, prayers, etc.
We even got little T on board. No, we didn’t tell her ANYTHING – because nothing was for certain and she’s 4 (aka a blabber-mouth). We told her that “Mama had a bad owie” and told her that Jesus could make it better. She was an excellent support for us – always praying and being “thankful” for mom’s owie (we’re still working on the difference between “please bless” and “thank you for.”). Plus, she always reminded us if we forgot. “Dad! You forgot to bless Mom’s owie!” So sweet.
The weeks when we were just WAITING for the next ultrasound (8 total) were some of the longest, hardest weeks we’d had since we’d lost. The uncertainty was crushing, and the thought of another loss was looming overhead. I had to keep reminding myself it was all going to work out and everything happens for a reason.
“…Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)
USED TO BE. Gone. No mas. Hemorrhage no more.
I still have no words. No explanation, but God is good. He hears our prayers and he knows our hearts. I know, without a doubt, Handsome and I couldn’t have done this alone. We needed our family to support us and God knew how to help us grow.
I am due November 6th – one week after we lost our angel Ian.
Oh Kaylynn! My heart is bursting for you! I didn’t know you were trying, but I have been praying so hard for your little family. What a miracle! Sometimes it’s so hard to trust in the Lord. What an amazing gift and such beautiful and poignant timing. I know you’re scared, it would be impossible not to be after such a devastating loss, but just know there are so many people that will be praying and rooting for you through the rest of your journey.
A most sincere CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy and sweet impending arrival!!! 🙂
Arika –
THANK YOU so much! You are an amazing friend and I so appreciate your willingness to share what has happened to your family as well. It really does show how small the world is and how we are all in this together.
Thank you again for everything – especially the prayers. Love you!
I’m crying tears of joy for you right now! God IS good and with him, miracles occur.
You’re awesome Jill – Thanks for being such a sweet friend!
I’m with jill, crying because I am so happy for you guys! What a perfect miracle! I pray the rest of the pregnancy continues to go well. Let me know if you need anything, even a pint of Ben and jerrys 🙂
HAHA~ Aimee you crack me up. Ironically, I don’t want ice cream – or anything sweet for that matter. I want chips, french fries, and Mac and Cheese. Heaven help me!
Congrats! I am so thrilled for you. I loved that talk about Joy coming after sorrow. It is such a great reminder that God is always looking out for us. Thanks for your example of faith and trust.
I thought of you while that talk was given and thought, “I really like that name…”JOY.” You are the only Joy I know actually. If it’s a girl, I’d be crazy to name her anything besides “Joy” or “Faith.” But for reals.
See you next Friday – I invited myself to the end of the year lunch. We’ll see how awesomely out of place I am! Bring it on!
I’m just beyond happy to read this! After so many years of fertility treatments and the the thoughts that always go through your mind with loss, I totally get living in disbelief even when the miracle happens! What a sweet movement it is to see those bouncing babies inside and to realize you can start to have joy and believe it’s real!
I know the pain and loss will always be a part of your life, but you’ve honestly handled it like a champ so far and I so look up to you and your love and constant memory of your sweet a bagel baby!
Um I hate mobile! Not bagel but angel! Learn words autocorrect! That one is real!
Anyway so so so joyful for you at This time, and I’m so excited to be pregnant roommates with you in a few weeks 🙂
Oh Camille – I’ve followed your journey and feel like we’re connected. Though our stories are different, our dreams are the same and that loss is real. I love you and admire you so much.
HAHA! I knew you meant “Angel” but I really like BAGEL baby. Like really though, I love it. And I’m so stoked to room with you at ALT – bring on the awesome-ness.
Overwhelmed with happiness for you right now!!!
Love your guts – so so much!!
What joyous news! I am so so happy for you kaylynn!
Camille, THANK YOU So much! We are beyond the moon excited. Thank you for following along and being such a dear friend!
Yeah!!! I am so excited for your little family! Now I see why you were not shaking that booty on stage at SNAP! I hope all goes well for the next few months. By the way I love the candy bracelets in the picture. It’s totally you!
It’s all making sense now! At SNAP I was just 12 weeks and trying to take it SUPER easy. It was obvious to the people that know me (aka: a dancing party animal) that SOMETHING was up!
And GIRL – those candy bracelets are a WATCH! NO JOKE – Swatch no less! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HVH451K/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00HVH451K&linkCode=as2&tag=aspagyanasali-20&linkId=NX3WJSJJLB7PAT7P
Oh! I am crying the happy tears for you, Kaylynn! What a wonderful blessing and miracle!!
Love you Briton – so so much. Thank you for being “RAD” 😀
oh sweet girl! I am so thrilled for you!!!! Happy happy tears. It’s funny how the man just has his plan. Can’t wait to see you in 2 weeks!
Love you girl! And yes, the big guy knows what we need better than we do. Can’t wait to see you soon!!
Kaylynn, I’m bawling tears of joy for you! God is good! So happy for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your journey with us!
Amy my love – thank you so much, my dear friend. You are the sweetest!!
Kaylynn,
I remember your angel Ian. I know Guardian Angel beaming with joy for his family and new sibling.
CONGRATULATIONS!
I Sign my blog Happy Creating which seems beyond fitting right now.
XO,
Karen Marie
Karen,
Thank you so so much – this has been such a crazy ride and I thank you for following along. You are awesome!
Happy tears from a atranger! I remember that urgency to try again and the fear of those first few ultrasounds after loss. So happy for you and your family. How good is our God ….
Nike! You’re not a stranger! Nice try love!
Thank you so so much – you are the best babe!
I am so happy for you! What a wonderful miracle!
Love you babe!
What a wonderful miracle and answer to prayer!! We’re so happy for you and love that you have shared such a personal experience of what you’ve gone through the past year. I’m sure there are many who have felt comfort in knowing they aren’t alone. Love ya, girl!
Nat
Nat and Holly – I love you guys SO MUCH! Thank you for being such sweet friends – you are my faves!
I am so very happy for you! I loved reading this post. No doubt the Lord has been watchful over you during this hard journey. So excited for you!
Thank you so much Becky!!
You put this into such beautiful words! You’re going to rock this like no other. As always, so proud of the strength you have for showing vulnerability. Can’t wait to meet this little babe!
Love you babe – we got this!
Oh my goodness Kaylynn! I am so incredibly happy for you and your sweet family! I’m saying the biggest prayers that your pregnancy continues to be healthy and that you don’t have to face anymore stress during this magical time. Your amazing Ian is watching over his momma! XO
Oh my love Katie, You are the sweetest. Really though, I just admire you so much. Thank you for being my friend. I love you!!
kaylynn! I didn’t know when I saw you in January that you had lost your little angel Ian. To hear this miracle news is so heart-filling, I’m just crying for you. For the heartbreak and uncertainty and for the happiness now. I hope you have a full healthy beautiful pregnancy and can’t wait to hear more happy news. Xo
Oh girl. I was a mess at ALT. Serioisly – barely holding it together. With my original due date rapidly approaching in March and the loss still fresh in my mind, I was a ghost of my usual self. Plus, I was waiting for my period which was expected to come the first day of ALT and ended up starting a WEEK LATE. I was a stress basket.
Luckily I’ll see you in June and have some REAL fun because the REAL Kaylynn is BACK. Sassy as ever. Can’t wait to squeeze you in a few weeks!!
Beautiful post, and beautifully written! Congrats! I am so happy for you, and am grateful to know such a good God. We too decided to tell family early, and ended up being grateful we did when a flood of prayers came our way at the possibility of another miscarriage.
Love you!
How did I miss this? I have tears of joy running down my face! My heart is SOOO happy! You deserve this lady – I love you! You truly are such an amazing woman and I’m grateful to have you has such an example of faith and strength!! Hugs friend!
Words aren’t enough. Just tears. Lots and lots of ’em and every single one filled with joy and hope and all the love.
you know how excited I am for you, and how much I love you. I only wish I could do more, help more, strengthen more, just be more for all the up’s and downs (OH I KNOW, there is a house JUST DOWN THE STREET, move here and I’ll shower you with more…). Mwah!
Congratulations. You are absolutely correct. Joy actually comes after sorrow only. All the best!