Nothing can prepare you for a loss – one minute you’re fine and the next minute all of your dreams have been ripped away. However, as my little family and I have waded through grief, there have been several amazing and important things we have learned about ourselves, about others, and about how to relate better to others who have lost.
Here I will share the 10 things I learned from my stillborn.
1. God Knows What’s Up.
I don’t know how many times I had to remind my small human brain that God knows what’s best. I’ve come to know that He knows ME better than me. So take a breath, step back, and just know that He hasn’t forgotten you.
2. Life Moves On.
It’s sad, and true. One moment you’re bombarded with flowers, dinners, cards, and visitors, and the next minute? …nothing. This was REALLY hard for me to grasp, “HOW is the world still turning when my heart is still so BROKEN?” But it did, and still does. I’ve gotten better at wrapping my mind around this fact, but I still don’t like it. There will be the occasional reminder that someone is thinking of me, and I love knowing that there are still those people out there praying, thinking, and wanting the best for me.
3. Eating is Overrated.
As a food blogger, this was a HUGE shock to me. I could go days without eating – call a new diet. The “grief” diet. I’ll be rich and skinny.
4. Friends that GET IT are True Gems.
Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of other friends who don’t “get it.” They are still a joy to be around, but more often than not, it’s nice to not have to explain yourself, your hard day, or why you just don’t FEEL like eating. I’ve bonded more with those who have lost and they have become some of my most precious friends.
5. Sometimes Crying Really Does Help.
So I’ve admitted that I’m not in control (God is), and I know it’s all going to work out in the end, but some days I just need to cry. LOTS. No judgement. And that’s OK.
6. Serving Others Helps You Forget.
Momentarily. I would find my peace serving and I never wanted to leave. Forgetting is lovely.
7. Everyone Grieves Differently.
I’d heard this, but never truly experienced it. Even comparing my husband and me, our emotions and grieving process have been extremely different. That doesn’t mean one way is right, or that it’s harder on one of us than the other. Grief happens in its own way and own time. So be patient with yourself and those grieving with you.
8. Good Days are OK.
This one was HARD. Believe it or not I did have several good, peaceful days after I lost. And I felt SO guilty. Was I happy that I’d lost? Had I forgotten? It came down to the fact that I knew God was watching over our family and to soak in the good while I could, because inevitably, the bad days came too.
9. Bad Days are OK Too.
One of our friends told us this, and it STUCK. Whenever you see anyone, they ask, “How are you?” Not wanting to get into the whole story, I would always say, “Good.” Because, let’s be honest, that’s what they want to hear. But guess what? Most days I am NOT good. Most days it’s taken all my effort to get out of bed. If you’ve caught me a)out in public, b) wearing clothes, c) wearing makeup, let’s consider it a victory and skip the “How are you” (unless you really want to hear what I’m thinking).
10. This is the Hardest Thing I Would Never Trade.
One of my friends said this and it resonated with me. Yes, it sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I wouldn’t change it. This experience has taught me more about myself and has brought my family closer together.
Again, these were the things that I learned from my stillborn. I hope none of you have to learn these the same way I did, but if you know someone who has lost (not just a baby, perhaps a husband, grandma, or even a cat), know that they are learning things about themselves and what they are capable of.
I can not even imagine how hard this would be to go through; but thank you so much for sharing what you’ve learned. I’m sure there are many people reading this that are dealing with loss right now and this will help tremendously! And it’s a great read for everyone, I’ve had friends who have had miscarriages or have lost a child and it’s always so hard to know what to say or do. Thank you for the insight and sharing this very personal journey.
Girl… Thank you for being willing share your story and emotions! The world is a better pace because of it! Here’s a high five for the good days and some hugs for the hard days! You’re awesome and I love ya!! xoxo!!
#2. that is a hard one. when we lost my dad, that happened, and unless you’ve been thru it, you have no idea. Kaylynn, I think you are amazing and strong. I’m one of those people that, even though I’ve been thru losing a loved one, I don’t know how to talk to people who are there. I would be one to ask “how are you?” thank you for the reminder, that that isn’t the best thing to say. also, thank you for sharing your struggles and things you’ve learned. ♥♥♥
I’m learning so much from your experience and am thankful for your bravery in sharing. I know so many who have suffered loss and your words give me insight into what their suffering is like. I appreciate you so much, girl.
I had a friend that went through similar situation and she was very heartbroken. As her friend, I honestly had no idea how to comfort her and felt a little helpless. This is really great information for not only me, but for how I can help others when they go through similar situations. I want to be able to be more understanding of what they are going through and show them empathy when they need it most.
I agree. You are so brave to share what you are going through. I appreciate reading how you are feeling.
This was such a great read. I have never been in your position but I really do believe that all of these things that you talk about can relate to many of the trials that everyone faces. I especially love #1. Sometimes that is hard to remember when going through something hard but it’s so true.
I admire your strength and faith. Being 18 weeks pregnant right now this article really hits home. You are amazing. XOXO to you and your family.
Thanks for sharing this! My best friend had a very similar story to yours 4 years ago, before I knew her. So it is helpful to hear from someone who has experienced it to understand where she is a little better too! Thank you!
I agree that #2 is really hard to grasp. We’ve spoken about my brother previously (maybe one day I’ll get to really share with you how that all played out) and it nagged at me constantly when his friends moved on with their lives. I couldn’t understand how they could still jump on their motorcycles and throw parties when Maurice was gone. I wanted the phone to still ring and people offer their condolences even if I didn’t want to answer the phone. It was weird once people stopped coming by.
It won’t feel this badly forever. You grow and your perspective shifts. You realize how truly blessed you are. And for the record when I ask you “How are you?” I really do want to know. Love you lots. XOXO
I can’t even to begin to know or understand how you feel. Today was hard on me. My ex husband that I was with for 10 years buried my son today. Even though I left doesn’t meanI loved the children any less. He had 4. Only one son. Little Michael was only 20. Today was really hard on me. My ex husband and I will always be friends.
You are a brave, beautiful, wonderful woman. I am so blessed to know you and your sweet family. Love you to pieces.
This was an emotional read and I’m so glad you shared these feelings, thoughts, and insights. As others have said, you are a brave woman and part of a brave family. Loss is such a hard thing to talk about sometimes. Thank you for being open and helping us all learn more together. Lots of love, prayers, and hugs to you and your family.
New subscriber…and I can already tell we’d get along famously. Thank you for this heartfelt post; I particularly resonated with #2. I remember after my father passed away, I wanted to throttle the cheerful grocery store clerk – didn’t she *know* the world had just ended? God taught me so much in that moment. Now I have very different empathy for people – we never know what they’re going through, why they have that look on their face, why they reacted that way. If I imagine they just went through those feelings I experienced…I can give the world so much more grace.
I’ll be praying for continuing grace and healing for you and your family.
This was spot on yet hard to read and reminded me of loss I experienced in my own life. Oh the guilt when life moves on. And then learning that maybe that’s okay. Nonetheless, I cannot fathom the loss of a child Kaylynn. My heart aches for you still and always will. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings, experiences. God bless you!
Thank you for this post. You hit it right on. We are coming up on four years of our youngest’s birthday. She was also stillborn and all that you put still applies. Every year, I have the opportunity to learn something new about the grieving process and know that it is a part of our lives.
Thank you for this post. I tossed and turned a lot last night because my angel baby was on my mind. I was 37 weeks and 3 cm dialated when I lost her. She was kicking before I went to bed. I still don’t know what happened. She would have turned 5 this past January. She would be going to kindergarten this fall . I say thank you because last night I couldn’t focus on what I learned about myself through this experience. I was having a “I want to forget” moment. I forgot how I learned to have a real relationship with God for myself instead of living off what I had been taught through my upbringing. I forgot that I learned that my hubs and I are a true team capable of conquering any obstacle brought our way. I forgot the team of people who have walked this road with us. I even had 2 wonderful little boys after her . Thank you
Natasha, my heart cries with yours. The dreams that were ripped away – I so get it girl.
So you never figured out what happened to your sweet angel?
I found your blog on Pinterest while looking for Wizarding World of Harry Potter tips. The first thing I noticed when I clicked the “pin” was the “Still Born, Still Loved” part of the menu. My husband and I had a daughter, Ellie, that was stillborn at 29 weeks on August 16, 2014. I totally get this list. So sorry for your loss </3
Chelsea – I’m so sorry for your loss as well. We’re in an “elite” group now – one I never thought I’d be a part of, but I’m glad I’m not alone here. How are you doing these days? And did you do an autopsy to, or do you know what happened to your sweet angel girl?
We did choose to have an autopsy, but we didn’t learn much. We knew the reason she passed away was because she had fetal hydrops (lots of fluid built up throughout her body and caused her heart to give out – it was discovered a few days before she passed), but we never learned the cause of the hydrops.
I feel terrified when I think of getting pregnant again because I don’t know if I could handle it if I were to lose another baby. Though I would love to give my 3 year old a sibling one day that she can grow up with.
I’m doing okay these days. Bad days are less frequent, but when they happen it hits hard.
<3
A friend just gave birth to her baby at 40 weeks and he was stillborn. I’ll be sending her a link to this post when the time is right. Thanks so much for writing this! I think a lot of mamas are going to find it really helpful. Love you, friend! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry that you have had to walk this path as well. My baby girl was stillborn on 10/23.
Oh my sweet friend. Thank you for your kind words – I’m sorry you know this pain, but it’s so good to know that we aren’t alone.