One of my friends, who occasionally reads my blog, has said to me several times, “Kaylynn, you need to be more REAL in your posts.” I always nodded and agreed, more of a, “Yeah, I know, but I’d just rather share recipes than open up,” kind of feeling.
And then I was humbled. Big time.
I’ve been dreading writing this post, for obvious reasons. The place I need to go to be authentic and real is too fresh. Too painful. But I keep feeling like this is the right thing to do: share, be open, spread awareness that you are NOT ALONE.
At the beginning of October (18 weeks pregnant) I was placed on bed rest. We frequented the Labor and Delivery rooms for weeks, sometimes many times within the same week. Each time, they’d check the babe, give me some medicine, and send me home. But the sentiment was the same…. just get to 24 weeks, there’s nothing we can do for you until then. Up until that point, it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Hello? I run marathons and bake like it’s my job… you want me to SIT? All the time? Ridiculous.
There was never any doubt in my mind that the baby was healthy and it would all work out.
As I was talking to one of my friends one night she said, “Have you thought about what would happen if it DOESN’T work out? At first I was SOOOOOOOOO BUGGED. Why would she even think that? Of course it’s all going to be ok. Positive thoughts….positive thoughts….right? But that little bug had been in the back of my mind for some time and was now on the surface.
On October 28th, around midnight, I was awakened by some pretty serious pains. They came and went, and they were pretty intense. My first though was, “Am I having contractions?” I pushed that aside and tried to go back to sleep. It was probably nothing. I didn’t want to go see the same nurses in the Labor and Delivery and I REALLY didn’t want to make Handsome get up and go down to the hospital … AGAIN.
Two hours later, I was still wide awake and nothing had changed. I woke Handsome up and we agreed that it “couldn’t hurt” to go to the hospital. AGAIN. We called my mother-in-law over to watch T and were off.
Once we got there, the drill was the same. Check in. Hospital gown. Baby heart rate. Typical. The nurses said the baby was fine – heart rate was great, but I was also contracting. Obviously. They gave me a shot – in the rear – and told me to wait.
(It was around this waiting period that we heard literal SCREAMING, WAILING, and RUNNING outside. I guess a lady was in labor and the baby was all but out when she came in. I was terrified. Handsome tried to help me laugh, but I wasn’t in the mood.)
Wait. Wait. Wait.
The medicine wasn’t working.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
I begged for some different medicine. The answer was no. After a nurse checked me, it was apparent that my body had forced itself into labor. It was finally rejecting all the blood clots and hemorrhages, and no amount of medicine was going to stop it.
In the moment, my mind didn’t understand. How do you wrap your mind around this? They told me I would be delivering and I asked over and over and over again, “What can you do for my baby?” “What about my baby, will he be ok?” There was no answer. Just a nurse looking into my eyes and delivering the most heart wrenching news: NOTHING. Nothing could be done, and that baby was coming out.
It all happened so fast: I was prepped for delivery. I had an epidural and an IV put in and I was ready to go. Still we waited. And it still hadn’t sunk in. I hovered dilated at a 4-5 for hours.
Around 9:15, my midwife came and manually broke my water hopping to speed up the process. It did. A few minutes later it was go time.
I was beyond hysterical. Crying doesn’t come close – nor does ugly crying. Pushing meant it was over. Pushing meant I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore. Pushing meant saying goodbye, and I wasn’t mentally ready to do this, but my body was. At 9:41 one push was all it took. Blood, blood clots, placenta, and little man popped out – he was a fraction of the mass. Handsome was just glad I didn’t see how much blood there was.
My little babe was checked and cleaned right on my chest. He was pronounced stillborn, but very recently since his color was still there.
At a mere 21 weeks, he was perfect. He had fingernails, knuckles, and little baby hairs on his forehead. He amazed us.
My sister was the only one we invited to stay – we would’ve sent our own parents away – and she was a great comfort to us. I can’t explain why. I’ve often wondered if this was a mistake on our part. We denied everyone the chance to experience this sweet spirit….maybe if I’d allowed them to come they could understand a little? But then I come back to the fact that I wouldn’t change a thing.
Frequently Asked Questions:
How are you doing?
It’s always the first thing people ask, with a little head tilt and squinty eyes. And honestly, my answer is usually the same. There are good days and bad days, but more good days as time goes on. I’ve been all over the place – from sad, happy, angry, tired, depressed, hopeful… it just depends on the minute. Handsome and I really do know that everything will be fine. We trust that God has a bigger plan for us and we are honored that we could be parents to such a choice soul.
Why did you decide on the name “IAN?”
When it came time to name this precious little babe, the name we had been planning on just did not fit. The name we had in mind is meant for a little trouble-maker, and while this little one had given us a run, I didn’t like it. I threw out the name Ian and then it sunk in…. bear with me for a minute.
As a special education teacher I’ve always known that someday I’d have a special little one. The special spirit inside these “imperfect” bodies is unreal and I love being around them. I REALLY wanted a little girl with Downs Syndrome. I just adore those angels, and the plan was to adpot. Handsome was on board but reminded me of the life calling that would follow and I understood completely. We put that off, because an adoption would happen AFTER I was done having children.
At some point in my teaching career I had a sweet little one named Ian….with Downs Syndrome… and I adored him.
As I held this perfect little body in my arms I realized I HAD my special little spirit. It’s hard to explain, but part of my dream to adopt a little one with special needs was fulfilled by my little angel. A piece of my heart was realized and it all made sense at that moment.
Are you going back to work?
YES – but I need a little more time to heal. Physically, I was fine after 6 weeks – like any other woman who just gave birth to a child. Emotionally, I’m still all over the place. I’m fine one second and then I’m gone. I forget to eat all day. Things I used to like have no allure. The thought of going back to work right now is terrifying…how will I stay on task? How will I do a good job? I’m responsible for teaching children, but I can barely take care of myself right now. Let’s not even talk about the fact that I work with sweet little 5 year old children with special needs – some of whom may as well be newborns. It’s just not in my best interest right now.
Do you want to have more kids? Will you try again soon?
Yes, yes, and yes. We definitely want to have more kids, and we feel strongly that we’ll know when the time is right.
Are you afraid this same thing will happen again?
Of course I am. Terrified actually, but Handsome reminds me that if it’s supposed to happen then it’ll happen, and we’ll face it together.
Is it hard to be around other kids? Babies?
Usually, no. I love to be around most little ones – even babies. My own little babe has been instrumental in my healing process. She keeps me laughing with her 3 year old sass and hilarious sayings.
Overall, the days, weeks, and months since we met Ian have proven to be beautiful and astoundingly spiritual. We’ve been blessed with new friends and a sweet spirit in our home. Things we dreaded were made easy, and we have been encircled with love. We wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else, but at the same time it’s the hardest thing we’d never trade. For any of you that have experienced something similar, you are not alone. I know that this is all part of a bigger plan. Not only do I know that we CHOSE this trial, but I know that God knows we can handle it.
Dearest Ian, thank you for teaching us, bringing us closer as a family, and reminding us what is truly important in this life. We know that your earthly mission is complete, and we can’t wait to meet you again someday. All our love, Dad, Mom, and T.
This post is beautiful. My heart still breaks for you whenever I think about what you’ve been through but your uplifting spirit and ability to focus on The Plan and the positive is inspiring to me. What a special family you have to be blessed with such a special trial. As a big sister and aunt to stillborn miracles your story will always hold a place in my heart. Love you! Thanks for sharing with us.
Oh Jenn – thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I had no idea you were “in the club” too. It’s amazing to me how small my world has been. Since this happened, people have come out of the woodworks with the similar stories and my heart just breaks. How have I been so …. self absorbed? Love your guts babe. Mwa!
When my sister in law lost her baby almost 3 years ago now I really started to see how small the world is, so many people are sure to benefit from your willingness to share. I find you so very far from self absorbed, you’re inspiring. Love you.
I was really impressed and touch by your story. The sorrow that some people might have with losing a baby. We lost a great grandchild. She was sapose to die as soon as she was born. But lived to be 6 months. She had a dease called holoproseninsephaly. Small head, no soft spot. A double cleff pallet, two bad kidneys one bad lung. But the spirit that was in that baby was special, and beautiful. She had long black ceraly hair on her head. And her smile was pearceing. We did love her. We have the faith that we will see her some day. I hope I didn’t take to much on your blog. Thank you. And God bless you and your family. Love, a fellow sister. We are all brothers and sisters
Coral, thank you so much for sharing your sweet great-grandchild with me. She sounds absolutely adorable with all that curly black hair. What a doll. And what a blessing you did get a little bit of time on earth with her. We will see our angels again and I cannot wait.
Oh kaylynn, my heart aches for you and rejoices for how strong you are. What an absolutely beautiful story and your sweet boy is so blessed to have you two as parents!
Love you Aimee – thanks for taking the time to read this. You are amazing!!
I can’t even begin to understand how hard it was for you to write this. I’m so amazed and impressed with your honesty and bravery. Thank you for sharing. I know the lives you’ll touch by sharing this is immeasurable. So much love to you and your family!
Paula! Thank you for taking the time to read this – my heart and soul in a blog post. Weird, right? But you’re my favorite. Thank you for your sweet friendship. Love your guts.
Kaylynn,
You are such a strong and amazing woman! I’d give you a hug right now if I could. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart.
-Amy
Amy, I adore you. Thank you so much for reading this. I’ll accept virtual hugs and awesome-ness. 😉 Love love love you!!
Beautiful post Kaylynn. Never having children of my own, I can’t imagine how heartwrenching this was for you and Handsome. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing a most intimate post.
Oh Lori – thank you for being such a sweet friend. It’s people like you that make me remember there’s still so many good things in this world. Love you!
Lady… you’re amazing! I read that with tears running down my face. Your strength and attitude is amazing and I am so grateful you allowed us all to know your story! I’m sure it is going to be such an amazing support to other people that later have to go through the same experience! Thank you.
Love your guts and I hope you are constantly feeling your sweet little Ian’s arms around you! xoxo!
PAM! I can always count on you to make me smile. Thank you for taking the time to read into my heart and soul. I miss you and need more of you in my life. Please??
Just my biggest virtual hug Kaylynn!! 🙂 A wonderful post and tribute.
Virtual hug accepted Angie! I love you!!!
Beautiful. You had me crying right with you. You were able to put everyone into words beautifully. Thank you for sharing your heart. I always knew a special person like you would the mother to special spirits. <3
Lisa! You always knew? Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve used some forewarning…. haha – jk babe, but really. Thank you for being such a sweet friend. Love you so much!
This was beautiful. Definitely a real and raw piece of yourself. I can’t even imagine going through this. You are definitely so so strong. It’s things like this that make me think of Finding Nemo. Weird, I know. But I just think of Dory singing to herself “Just keep swimming.” I cried my way through this and tried to hold my two-year-old who just screamed “That’s enough!” and pushed me away. Oh toddlers. At least you have your own toddler to help you heal through this. I’m sure she will be a great big sister someday.
Amber – I TOTALLY understand the “Just Keep Swimming” bit – right now I’m working on “Just keep breathing.” You have to do that a lot. It’s freaking annoying.
And yes, thank goodness (most of the time for toddlers) T has been so sweet. Every now and then she’ll say something out of the blue that’s like a dagger to my heart (“We don’t have two kids, only one kid.” or “Where’s the baby again?”) but most of the time she really is a ray of pure sunshine that keeps me smiling, reminds me to eat, and most importantly….”Play with me mom!”
Oh my friend, you are a truly a hero to many by writing this post. A friend of my sister-in-law’s just went through a very similar experience about a week ago and I know she is looking for any kind of comfort. I know this post will be that for her. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss. That sweet little Ian is so special. Thanks so much for sharing your story! It’s going to be so helpful to so many. Love you, friend!
Oh Alli – send her my way. This is the worst club to be a part of, but she’s here with me now. No one can understand her and she probably feels so alone. Please please please let her know that the anger, sadness, and mood swings are SO normal. When she’s ready to vent or cry or whatever…. send her to me.
The tears just won’t even stop over here. Thank you for sharing your story!
Love you!
Sorry for the tears babe, but know that I adore you!!!
Thanks for being brave and sharing your feelings. I’m in tears reading what you went through. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I’m sorry you went through this but am amazed by your strength to keep going. It’s so good to know in the end all will be well we just have to endure the trials of this life. I wish you happiness in the coming months and years!
Becky – 2015 HAS to be better, right? Really though, thank you for reading and for your kind words. I’m glad you think I’m brave because most of the time I don’t feel that way. But thank you. Loves!
Oh Kaylynn, thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. It touched me, and I know there are other mothers out there that it will help heal. Sorry you had to go through something so hard, but so glad that little Ian gets to have such an amazing family. Love you friend!
Kara – thank you for reading. I’m so so glad you felt something – that was one of my main goals, so yay. And you’re so right – this is hard now, but it’ll be worth it.
My heart aches for you Kaylynn! Thanks for sharing your story. I never know what to say when trials like this happen to my my friends. Just know I’m thinking of you frequently and wish you continued peace for your soul.
Thanks Amber – love love love you! I’m actually going to be doing a post on “What to Say” and “What NOT to Say” to friends who have just lost a babe – you’re not the only one. But really – you’re the sweetest. Love you to pieces.
This brought many tears to my eyes. Your faith shines through every word in this story and I know your sweet Ian is watching over you, praying for you and loving you from afar. My heart breaks for you but at the same time it is overflowing with love for you and your family. Love you so much!
Emily, it’s a strange mix of emotions, right? Being gut-wrenchingly (yes I made that word up) sad one moment, and then being grateful for the experience. It’s a weird roller coaster. Welcome to my life babe. Love you right back. PS: Peanut butter cookies might be the best therapy. 😉
Such a beautiful post, Kaylynn. Sending you lots of hugs and am always thinking about you.
Love you Linds – Thanks for reading. And I’ll ALWAYS accept virtual hugs from you babe! Love!
This is beautiful Kaylynn. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know this will help others who have faced this in their lives. You guys are a beautiful family and Ian is a lucky little babe to be able to be raised by you in the afterlife. Love you!
Annette – thank you so much for reading this post. I really do hope it helps someone (besides me). Thank you for your kind words and for being such a sweet friend. Love you!!
I am legitimately sobbing at work. Like get-me-a-tissue-immediately-and-don’t-talk-to-me-for-a-minute kind of crying.
this is beautiful and beautifully written. it’s raw and real and simple. this is what cyberspace needs more of; reminders of what’s really important.
sure love you.
Love you back girl.
Did any of your co-workers think you were strange, just crying there in at your computer?
What a beautiful story. I love that you were able to spend some precious time with Ian. You are blessed beyond measure and I know he is watching over you all! Hugs to you all! Love you to the moon and back!
Oh Jill you are my favorite. Thank you for taking the time to read a piece of my heart and soul – I love you so much! When am I going to see your face again??
I wish I was going to SNAP but my little sister is getting married that weekend. Hoping to head out that way for ALT this summer. So maybe we can meet up then?! Love you too!
Fingers crossed I’ll be at ALT in June. Sad you won’t be at SNAP! 🙁
BeAutifully written….We both have had to deal with the pain of losing our children. My sweet Jacoby was born at 22 weeks on April 18, 2014 (Good Friday). For no reason my water broke and sadly nothing could be done because we hadnt made it to magic 24 weeks. My husband and I were able to hold his perfect little body as his heartbeat and stayed with us for an hour. My husband and I have a bubbly 2 1/2 year old who brought great comfort. My husband and I both knew that we had to try again and couldnt let the fear hold us back. after getting the go ahead, we became pregnant with our rainbow baby. We are currently 29 weeks and due with our rainbow son on April 3, 2015(Good Friday).
Thank you dor sharing your story…it is a comfort to hear those with similar journeys.
NO WAY. That is SUCH a beautiful blessing – I love this. I’m so so sorry that you’re “in the club” (if you will), but I’m so glad that I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing a piece of your soul with me.
Babe, any tips or tricks? Granted, you’ve got more time on your side, but what helped you? Did you have any amazing experiences or terribly awful encounters with people? I’m seriously on this roller coaster where the spirit is so strong, yet I’m getting negative comments from other people that think I need to “move on” or “go back to work.” Gah. It’s maddening.
After we lost our son we definitely had people were amazing and those who were indifferent awful. I returned to my job as a primary teacher 3 weeks after losin my son. I felt I needed the closure with my class. The hard part was people within the district didnt want a letter going home to my students families to let them know my son died. It felt like they wanted to just try and sweep it under the rug. However, Ii pushed the issue and a letter went home because frankly some doesnt go from looking pregnant to having a completely flat stomach. We recieved a ton of support from parents at my school. Some of our family members acted like nothing happened. In fact the day I got out of hospital, we were told lets go out for dinner. I also meet someone who lost their baby at 39 weeks about 2 years before. . She was so full of anger at the world and anyone who had a healthy baby that I walked away thinking I dont want the loss of my son make be so anger or bitter.
My husband and I knew we needed help to process our loss, so we meet with the support group at the hospital and saw a counselor at our chruch. The best thing for me was getting connected with another person within the church who had a similiar experience. She helped me throughout the roller coaster of emotions….teh times you feel strong and times I felt like la wreck. The fact that we became pregnant within 3 months of losing our son added another level of emotions. It hasnt been easy especially when asked questions about is this your first or everything well be fine. Unfortunately we both know that things happen and a heathy baby isnt always guaranteed. Throughout it all we discover who reallly support you and will do anything to help you.
I found myself saying that some people didnt know my story or don’t realize how painful their words hurt.
My thoughts are with you….
BeAutifully written….We both have had to deal with the pain of losing our children. My sweet Jacoby was born at 22 weeks on April 18, 2014 (Good Friday). For no reason my water broke and sadly nothing could be done because we hadnt made it to magic 24 weeks. My husband and I were able to hold his perfect little body as his heartbeat and stayed with us for an hour. My husband and I have a bubbly 2 1/2 year old who brought great comfort. My husband and I both knew that we had to try again and couldnt let the fear hold us back. after getting the go ahead, we became pregnant with our rainbow baby. We are currently 29 weeks and due with our rainbow son on April 3, 2015(Good Friday).
Thank you for sharing your story…it is a comfort to hear those with similar journeys.
Thank you for your honest and beautifully written post. Someone posted it on my “Share” group page that I’m part of on Facebook, so it will continue to bring comfort to others in similar situations. I lost my sweet baby girl at 18 weeks on December 5th. Like you, I’ve grown through the experience and my faith in God has brought a lot of comfort. The following songs have been my “theme songs”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0l8fd1nEkE and http://youtu.be/DavJ9UKS2ps
Allison, I’m so sorry you’re in this “club” too. It’s the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. Welcome. How are you feeling? Thank you for sharing these songs with me – I’ll go listen right now.
What a beautiful post. I can’t even imagine putting that in to words, and you did so, so gracefully. I think of you often and although I don’t know what to say, know that you are loved and prayed for by many. You are so very strong, and from the bottom of my heart, I love your strength, courage, and YOU!
Yvonne, you are my favorite. I like to live vicariously through you because you are EVERYWHERE girl! New york, cooking shows, Pinners Conference … basically I think you’re the bomb sauce.
And thank you for the prayers and loves – heaven knows I need all the help I can get! Love you!
My dear one, I adore you. You were there for me, keeping me from despair, during a terrible time in my life and I would do anything for you. I wish I could do more for you. I know that times of trial are for our benefit, but at the same time I wish I could take away some of this pain. I can’t even image the depth of pain and growth you are going through right now and I wish I knew all the right things to say to better comfort you. Here is a huge, tight HUG and know that you are loved.
Oh Ashlee, I wasn’t nearly the kind of friend that you needed, nor the kind of friend you’ve been to me. You are truly a remarkable human and I’m beyond blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for everything – and I love your hugs!
Thank you for sharing this! Praying for you! Hugs! xo
Love your guts Amy. Hope to see your fabulous face soon!
You sweet thing. I had no idea and I’m so so sorry!
Kim, thank you so much for reading. I appreciate it and hope that it resonated with you.
My goodness that was moving!! My heart is ACHING for you, and yet I feel such a strong feeling of comfort from the Spirit right now. You are SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING!!! So strong!! SO SO strong!!!! I am in awe of you.
On a COMPLETELY inappropriately chipper note, your sentence about people asking how you are made me laugh thinking of the show Friends. Are you a fan? Richard tells Monica that he knows when people have heard about his divorce because they ask how he is while they use a “sympathetic head tilt.” He always answers with the “I’m okay head bob.” 🙂 Season Two. Great show. It’s on Netflix now if you need to numb your mind!
Love you!!
GIRL. FRIENDS and sequins are my love language. I hadn’t even realized that I’d QUOTED FRIENDS until we watched that episode a few nights ago! I was seriously dying, but it’s SO true! I definitely added the “squinty” eyes though. It’s a crucial part!
Thank you so much for being such an inspiration to me. You are one of my dearest friends and I think of you often. I’m so glad all went well with your apt the other day. You are a rockstar. Love love love your guts!
Oh Kaylynn, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry. I’ve been thinking about you a lot since I hear about what happened, and I just want you to know you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a strong and amazing person. Thank you for your example of love and faith.
Love you Kristie – my thoughts are prayers are with YOU too these days my love. Hang in there – one day, one breath at a time.
Hi, I don’t know you, but I know your mother in law who is in my ward. My daughter was supposed to have a swimming lesson with Pam when she texted me cancelling. When I found out why, my heart broke. We too have suffered 4 losses/infertility. They have all been in the first trimester. I can’t imagine having a stillborn. The pain and heartache we felt was so difficult, yet I can’t imagine the anguish of what you went through. Thank you for sharing your experience. It brings a voice to all the little ones that were too good for this earth. I am so sorry for your loss and I honor your journey. Healing prayers sent your way.
thank you for sharing your heart and such an emotional, tender and painful experience. I am so sorry you had to go through this. prayers for continued healing for your family.
Kaylynn, I just read your story and I can’t imagine the pain that your family went though in October. You are incredibly strong for sharing your story of baby Ian. I remember meeting you at Snap and your spirit was infectious. Please don’t lose that spirit. You are so brave.
Kaylynn,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your post was very brave and beautiful. You definitely can feel your spirit and strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Brittany Cope
I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing! My hubby and I lost our first baby boy Jethro on Feb. 23rd. at 29 weeks. I had experienced decreased movement but he had did that before. I had an uneasy feeling so off to the hoapital we went. Hooked me up and found his heartbeat right away but it wasn’t fluctuating like it should have been. I had to go to the restroom so they unhooked me and when the hooked me back up they were having a hard time finding his heartbeat. It was at that point they did ultrasound and we could see right away that his heart was beating very slowly. With an emergency c-section Jethro was born sleeping but completely handsome as God had made him. We are so thankful to have time with him.
Oh my darling friend. I’m so so sorry for your loss as well. It’s heart-wrenching, but at the same time I know this has happened for a reason.
Did you do an autopsy on your sweet angel Jethro? How long ago was this for you?
I agree it is for a reason. We did have an autopsy he was a healthy boy. The only thing they found was hyper spiraling of his umbilical cord. It was just this past February 23 so a lil over month.
Ashley noooo. Just a month? You poor thing – how are you doing??
I’m doing ok. I have my good/ok times and my bad/sad times as to be expected.
It’s been a week. I lost my sweet Emilia Rose a week ago. She was 21 weeks gestation. She was perfect. All I have left is a picture of her hands and feet. The hurt is raw and fresh. My tummy is shrinking and there are no more baby kicks where they used to be. Her ashes are on my bedside table, I still don’t know if it is good for me to look at them everyday and go back into the sadness.
I stumbled across your blog and read most of you posts on losing Ian. I’m so sorry you had to experience this too. Although like you said, it is something I would never trade and never want to forget.
I am wondering how long it took before you started to feel better emotionally? A month? A couple months? Longer?
Did getting pregnant again help you heal?
I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. We don’t know if we should try again after losing our third. I am scared this might happen again to the next baby.
I feel incomplete and lost 10% of the day and the other 90% of my day is consumed by my sweet kiddos and their never ending needs and cuteness.
Anyways…thank you for your blog posts. I know this is an old post but I found your story comforting and your words touched my heart.
Oh my sweet Stephanie. I am so sorry I am just now responding. I wish I could give you a big hug. I see you mama – I get you.
I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Emilia Rose – it really NEVER gets easier. One day I’ll be fine and the next I was an emotional wreck. I expect BIG days to be hard (Christmas, his birthday, his due date) but it’s the little days that sneak up on me and make be break down.
I remember the days/weeks/months after I lost. I was in a haze – I couldn’t take care of myself, let alone my 4 year old. It was SO hard and the guilt was overwhelming. For me, getting pregnant again was SO healing – it saved me and scooped me out of the deepest grief. (https://amongtheyoung.com/joy-always-comes-after-sorrow/) The fear was real – what if this happens again? – but we were closely watched the entire pregnancy and I was an emotional basket case. Everyone is different, but for me – getting pregnant again was the answer.
I know your comment is a few months old, but know that you are not alone. Hugs mama.